New Email
Jan. 13th, 2026 12:32 pmRogan: Okay, thank fuck, there were a few snowballing complications, but I finally have a working public-facing email again.
I am using the Dreamwidth forwarding address feature, so in case my new public email gets killed, I can just keep the same address and avoid this kinda chaos again. (I should've done this earlier, but this is one of the many features of Dreamwidth that I never paid attention to, because up until this moment, I never needed or wanted such a thing.)
If you need to get ahold of us, you can now drop us a line at lb_lee at dreamwidth.org. For as long as this site or us are still around, and as long as this feature is part of a Paid account, it should hold.
Working on updating healthymultiplicity.com to update our new address, and then finally getting around the Mississippi blog ban that I've needed to take care of for months. Stay tuned!
Housekeeping
Jan. 13th, 2026 09:54 amAlexa now has a counselor appointment from 4-5 on Tuesdays, and Tuesday is the day I flip my schedule so I tend to be useless in the afternoon because I'm either asleep or trying to be. We decided Amelia will be in charge of Tuesday dinners from now on. Last week she made rice and beans. It was okay but not thrilling. This week she wants to make pad Thai with tofu. Leo got twitchy about the tofu and Amelia said she doesn't like working with meat so will be making vegetarian dishes. Can't say I blame her. I usually delegate most working with raw meat to Alec.
I managed to clear out a bunch of old sneakers (found a place online where they can be shipped for recycling) but still need to figure out what to do with Alexa's old clothes. I don't want to give them to Goodwill for reselling; I want them to go directly to kids who need them. I wrote to one place but never heard back. I have a couple of ideas though.
Alec and I downloaded Todoist and so far I like it.
Care and Feeding: My Son Argues Endlessly
Jan. 13th, 2026 08:48 amI am at a loss for what to do with my almost 11-year-old.
He argues constantly about everything. Here’s an example of the arguing: We made gingerbread houses this weekend. He got home from school, and I gave him a snack. While he was eating, he said, “I’m going to smash the gingerbread house on Christmas.” I said, “Nope, we do it on New Year’s Eve.” He said, “I made mine, so I get to smash it when I want.” I replied, “Nope, we always do it on New Year’s.” He kept repeating himself until I finally said, “We are done arguing, just drop it.” To which he retorted, “You just drop it!” I then asked him to go anywhere in the house besides the kitchen because he was still talking about it after I asked him to stop. (I couldn’t leave, I was helping his sitter get a snack, and doing dishes.) He then yelled at me, “You leave! Why do I have to leave if you’re the one with the problem?”
This happens every time he talks to me. I don’t get it. I want to spend time with him, but he is so hard and angry right now. He is so exhausting. He is nice to everyone else except his little sister and me. Whenever she talks to him, he makes fun of how she said something. Please help!
—Argued Out
Dear Argued Out,
It seems as if your son is truly upset with something other than what you’re actually arguing about. For example, in the case of the gingerbread house, he seemed upset about the loss of autonomy in making decisions about the house that he created, rather than the actual fact of not being allowed to smash it on Christmas. Does he feel like you always make all of the big and little decisions, while he isn’t allowed to make any? During these tween ages, it’s totally normal to want more freedom. It sounds like that could be the case, but you’ll need to ask him directly. Approach him in a quiet moment—not when you’re in the middle of a squabble and try to get to the bottom of it and his emotions. But make sure to stress that there is a way to respectfully share his feelings, especially when talking to his little sister. Also, think about the small ways that you can let him make his own decisions. Smashing his own gingerbread house, for example, doesn’t really hurt anyone else. So, sometimes, consider letting him make decisions that aren’t necessarily the ones you’d make.
In these day-to-day situations, do your best to keep calm. If your emotions start to rev up, his will automatically do the same. Then ask him why he wants to do something and encourage him to rephrase what he is saying. The fact that he only gets angry with you and his sister shows that he’s capable of communicating and expressing himself, but is too frustrated in those moments to do so. I’m unsure of where this inability is ultimately coming from, but some conversations with a therapist—for the whole family—during calmer times when emotions aren’t running so high would be beneficial for everyone. Good luck!
—Arionne
muddling through winter
Jan. 13th, 2026 08:34 amThe pottery class I was going to take isn't actually available on Wed, their only evening hours are mondays from 5-8 and they only just updated that on facebook and haven't emailed me back. I'm busy that night, so that's out. I could theoretically do day classes but with how short the days are, any daylight is needed for work hours especially if I need extra warmup time between morning and afternoon. ETA: I found another studio with wed classes and easier signup procedures. done.
I did go to spinners guild on sunday and it was a gosh dang delight including one of the longer term guild members coming this time who is queer in so many ways and everyone was lovely to him. It was so so so nice and relaxing. I think for the next meeting I'm going to get either my electric wheel battery up and running or take my smaller wheel and start an alpaca spin on it. My CPW is too big and loud for the space we've been meeting in. I got there right at 1pm and was still one of the later arrivals, so clearly I need to get there even earlier :)
We have started the wood stove indoors back up, so that's nice. I missed it. We ran out of wood that size and it had gotten warm, so there was less point in running it. Dad got on the roof and cleaned the chimney out while it was off, so that was nice and split some of the wood at the rental into wood stove size for both their house and mine.
I did kickstart my parents into doing work on their house! I sanded their office floor and then mom cleaned it and we sealed and finished it together. Definitely one of those times where it would have been faster with just one person, but so be it. My dad has been working on their living room wall drywall which is next in line. They do have renters moving into the rental Feb 1, so there is painting to be done there, plus some other small misc stuff. Parents' house also needs paint so I will be helping with some amount of painting. I didn't do drywall in my upstairs bathroom yet as expected, but I'm planning to later this week when dad is around to help me move the drywall outside to cut and then upstairs to get in place. They do have an extremely firm deadline of house renovations of June when my dad's college buddies are coming to visit, so there's that. We did discover that nice foosball tables are extremely heavy and it would be good to have more than two people to get it in a bilco basement door. I didn't get squished but it was very very heavy. After we got it down there, my dad said, you know, I think it did say something about being over 200lbs. hmm. thanks dad. Although we would have had to get a cousin or something to come help, which my parents are slightly allergic to asking for help, so I dunno if that would have happened anyway. We do have a vague plan to get the floor done which is good and there is progress happening. Given my parents hated the smell of the seal and finish, we are waiting to move them into the house until the living room/dining room/kitchen are all sealed and finished.
Winter is one of those times where I am just sleepy a lot, so I do accept this as a fact of life but also am fully aware that I am relatively isolated from the local area. In NY, I had an established friend groups, I had places I could go when I wanted a little socializing or crafting with folks, all sorts of things. Here I don't have any of that, so I'm trying to find something. Over the summer, I was so busy with the farm that I didn't really notice, but now I really can tell. To be fair, I have three nights a week where I have weekly social opportunities, but they are all digital. I know I need to push myself and get out there but it's hard and farm work is a bit unpredictable with when we need to run for straw and things. So spinners guild was excellent. I'm hoping to go to a meetup this saturday, although I'll be missing gaming with Jade that night for it. I need to do something thur/fri nights. And maybe some saturdays during the day. Hmm.
Hair
Jan. 13th, 2026 01:32 pmI ignored her because I am not shaving my head for someone who tells me chemo and radiotherapy are effectively the same thing. So it has grown. And I have to admit, it's not great. The trouble is knowing the difference between ageing hair, treated hair, radiotherapied hair, cancer hair and whatever the hell else is going on. Also, it itches, the colour doesn't last, and the last time she coloured my hair it burned my scalp. I had to stop her.
Right now it looks dry, brittle. There is some shine, but not my normal shine. The nurses were a bit more useful. 'It's going to change, they said, 'colour change, texture change, maybe it will start being wavy.' I asked them if I should shave my head. 'That's up to you,' they said, 'but you don't need to.' I told them about the hairdresser. They tried to be polite.
Now I have seaweed shampoo and conditioner. Let's see what happens.
Yesterday I did stuff that needed doing and took effort, today I started one thing, ended up doing two others, more productive than I have been but.. truth is that by 11 I am done. If I am to get anything really sorted I have to get up early in the morning and do it straight away. And yet, how true is this, really? I stayed up late doing the place plan. That wasn't creative as such, it was recording, taxing in a different way and once I finished it I collapsed into near torpor for weeks. Let's be honest, I couldn't do it again.
The whole after cancer thing is driving me mad. I'll talk to the doctor soon. This fatigue is just ridiculous, the depression less insidious because I know its cause but still damaging. All they are going to say to me is that we can try Tamoxifen, but its rep for side effects is worse than Letrozole, and it took me long enough to get used to the latter. Ten years like this? I know, time to be grateful, make the best of it, people are facing much worse. If I can cover my head in kelp I'm doing OK.
An old poem
Jan. 13th, 2026 01:28 pmhttps://open.substack.com/pub/smokingboot/p/eros-and-psyche?r=1r9jj7&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

Just one thing: 13 January 2026
Jan. 13th, 2026 06:52 amComment with Just One Thing you've accomplished in the last 24 hours or so. It doesn't have to be a hard thing, or even a thing that you think is particularly awesome. Just a thing that you did.
Feel free to share more than one thing if you're feeling particularly accomplished!
Extra credit: find someone in the comments and give them props for what they achieved!
Nothing is too big, too small, too strange or too cryptic. And in case you'd rather do this in private, anonymous comments are screened. I will only unscreen if you ask me to.
Go!
Interesting Links for 13-01-2026
Jan. 13th, 2026 12:00 pm- 1. The 8 ways that all the elements in the Universe are made
- (tags:matter physics space )
- 2. Hormone therapy reduces suicidality in trans teens
- (tags:children suicide transgender hormones LGBT )
- 3. Behind the scenes with an artist from Zootopia 2
- (tags:Disney art animation technology )
- 4. Estrogen increases gut pain
- (tags:estrogen pain )
- 5. Google removes some AI health summaries after investigation finds dangerous flaws
- (tags:ai google health misinformation OhForFucksSake )
- 6. New research explores ecological and social roots of same-sex sexual behaviour in primates
- (tags:primates homosexuality lgbt )
Snowflake Challenge: day 6
Jan. 13th, 2026 07:43 am
Top 10 challenge
I'm onna train, so here are 10 railway stations I like. In no particular order, and for various different reasons.
1. Frankfurt Hbf. This was where my international rail travels began. Standing on the concourse, looking at the departure boards (getting slightly earwormed by Stuttgart and Fulda), realising that I could get pretty much anywhere from here...
2. London St Pancras. It's beautiful. It's not actually a terribly pleasant experience getting a train from here (maybe the East Midlands and South Eastern platforms are better) but from the outside it's a fairy tale castle.
3. Stockholm. Rolling in, bleary eyed, off the sleeper from Malta, through dingy orange lights, and then suddenly you're in this marble palace. (I got chugged in Stockholm station. I don't know what I was doing to look like a Swede with disposable income rather than a discombobulated tourist, but there we go.)
4. London King's Cross. Never mind all that wizard nonsense, it has a fully functional platform zero. Also the toilets are free these days.
5. Liège Guillemins. Just glorious.
6. Ryde Pier Head. When it's operational and when you don't just miss the train because the catamaran was thirty seconds late. But there's still something fun about a station in the sea.
7. Dawlish. Train to beach in under a minute (your mileage may vary, as may mine considering I haven't been there in about a decade).
8. York. Never mind a pub in the station, it has one on the platform. Lovely stained glass, too.
9. Norwich. Light, gracious, makes you glad you've arrived.
10. Luxembourg. Stained glass again - and just time for an ice cream before the train.
First Day back
Jan. 12th, 2026 10:54 pmMonday is an easy day. I have 1 new student in my upper level A&P and one didn't show but otherwise, it went well. Tomorrow is much more likely to be issuey.
Here's a funny thing from yesterday. Even though I had the thing on timer I was making a pastina soup and...it boiled out of the pot and burnt the pasta to the bottom. I told this to my parents and they started laughing. Mom did exactly the same thing with her soup too.
And it's music monday 30 weeks of music. This week's prompt is #9 a song you could exercise to. Believe it or not I HAVE an exercise playlist for when I'm at my brother's and doing aerobics in the pool. Since that contains slow warm up/cool downs I'll share some of the more driving ones.
( right under here )
Book review: Empty Wardrobes
Jan. 12th, 2026 07:19 pmAuthor: Maria Judite de Carvalho
Translator: Margaret Jull Costa
Genre: Fiction, literary
I collect false treasures in empty wardrobes.
This quote by Paul Eluard opens book #14 from the "Women in Translation" rec list, which continues to fatten up my TBR list. This is Empty Wardrobes by Maria Judite de Carvalho, translated from Portuguese by Margaret Jull Costa. This novella, originally published in the 1960s, is about the ways in which women are subsumed by the men in their lives, or otherwise are buffeted about with less control over their lives than they ought to have.
The forward by Kate Zambreno is a wonderfully complementary piece. She talks about the anger she feels going to a woman's funeral and hearing the dead woman sanctified by men in her life who did nothing but take from her, who can speak of her only to praise what she did for others, and can say nothing about what the woman herself was.
Sometimes you can read a book and just know the author was angry when she wrote it. This is one of those. The book uses the phrase "discreet rage" about one of its characters, and I think that sentiment succinctly describes the whole book. The protagonist, Dora Rosario, is ten years into widowhood, and she has devoted her entire life to mourning her unremarkable husband as much as she had previous devoted her life to supporting his every opinion regardless of whether or not she agreed with it. Now, a decade on, her mother-in-law reveals something about Dora's late husband that changes her entire perspective.
I would like to believe we are moving away from the world portrayed in Empty Wardrobes (though not with as much success as I'd like), but this is a stark reminder of how even a few generations ago, in the Sixties, a woman's identity was so controlled by her husband's. There are only two men in this book--Duarte, Dora's dead husband, and Ernesto, the longtime partner of a side character--and they both, through social structures, exercise incredible control over the lives of the women around them without any respect or even knowledge of their impact.
The three main women in this book--Dora, her daughter Lisa, and the narrator--each take a different approach to the male romantic partners in their lives, and none of them comes out the better for it (well, perhaps for Lisa, but I personally doubt it will last), because the ultimate problem is societal attitudes about the way men and women are meant to relate to each other.
It's not a long book, and I can't say much more without spoiling things, but I also think it does some fabulous things with its narration and perspective, and the way it doles out information. Really an excellent framing that allows for a lot of fluidity and filling in gaps with your own visions while remaining clear in the nature of the story it's telling.
This book was only translated into English in 2021, which is a shame, because I think it would have struck a nerve much earlier, but we have it now! Costa does an excellent job with the work too; the writing is full of punchy phrases like the above, and she captures some realistic dialogue--characters repeating themselves, responding in ways that don't quite match up with what was asked, etc.--while keeping it natural-sounding.
Weekly Goals 2026: 03
Jan. 12th, 2026 05:18 pm- GYWO: Write 20 minutes 1/4
- Exercise 1/2
- Finish cleaning desk
- Schedule ONE medical appointment
- Declutter Bedroom
- Bake Cookies for Work
- Clean Car Windows
hybrid quota-linear rate limiter
Jan. 13th, 2026 12:13 amhttps://dotat.at/@/2026-01-12-hqlr.html
A while back I wrote about the linear rate limit algorithms leaky bucket and GCRA. Since then I have been vexed by how common it is to implement rate limiting using complicated and wasteful algorithms (for example).
But linear (and exponential) rate limiters have a disadvantage: they can be slow to throttle clients whose request rate is above the limit but not super fast. And I just realised that this disadvantage can be unacceptable in some situations, when it's imperative that no more than some quota of requests is accepted within a window of time.
In this article I'll explore a way to enforce rate limit quotas more precisely, without undue storage costs, and without encouraging clients to oscillate between bursts and pauses. However I'm not sure it's a good idea.
( Read more... )

