You Don't Live Like I Do

Sir Vernon Horrabin looked across his desk at his colleague. It argues exceeding well for the confidence your subordinates have in you, Carson, that Nottinge felt able to bring this sordid matter before you.

Carson leant back in his chair and nodded. I have quite exhorted 'em to come to me should they have any of the little troubles of youth – they are entrusted with heavy matters of the nation, there are ever those will go probe for any weakness – will not name names but will say there was a sad instance to do with the Board of Control of recent years –

Excellent well! said Sir Vernon, though that was a very foolish habit in Frimleigh of taking papers home, even had his son not been caught up in the toils of that Yankee fellow. But to the Nottinge business.

Pray, he thought, 'tis not a recurrence of the same plot.

Carson folded his hands. Why, here is Nottinge, discovers that a letter from his betrothed, that contains what he calls embarrassing matter has disappeared, and then shortly afterwards he receives a note – that he very sensibly brought to me – demanding payment for discretion.

Embarrassing matter?

Carson could not repress a lopsided smile. It transpired that Nottinge has a taste for dressing in women’s clothing – discovered this when obliged to take the woman’s part in plays at school – and his young lady is entirely confederate in this, advises him upon styles, &C, and in this particular epistle, writes that she has obtained an elegant set of stays that she fancies will fit him after she has made a few alterations –

Sir Vernon chuckled and then, more soberly, said would that more wives and young ladies would show such sympathy towards their husbands’ odd quirks, 'twould mean a deal less trouble –

Then added, but he does not go display himself thus in public?

Carson shook his head. I apprehend that there is no matter of actual masquerade – merely that he enjoys wearing female garb –

Why, one sees that this would be most embarrassing did it get out – I am right, am I not, in thinking that Nottinge is a prime sportsman, noted cricketer, fine shot, hard rider to hounds &C – Carson agreed that this was so – but 'tis in no way illegal. Let me consider over it a moment.

He steepled his fingers under his chin.

Why, this has been so very prudently beforehand that I am inclined to say that we might make a small outlay from the Special Fund as, shall we say, a sprat to catch a mackerel? I should be interested to observe whether, is he seen to pay up very brisk, the demands move on to matters of papers to which he has access.

Carson gave a slow nod. You put it very justly.

And I will keep the note, to see will it tell me anything further. Does it not look to you like a lady’s hand? though one supposes that a fellow in this line of business would also command the arts of forgery.

After the grateful Carson had left – for Nottinge was by way of being a protegé of his – Sir Vernon looked at the note.

Very much like a lady’s handwriting – and a good quality of paper, as well –

He shook his head. Must turn his attention to other business, and leave this until he might convoke with the lovely Clorinda.

Some few years ago he had made the error of supposing 'twas high time they married – felt age beginning to creep up on him – a desire to settle – put matters on a more regular footing. But had come about to realize that, however much a domestic life in that superbly run household appealed, it was far more valuable to the interests of the nation that the widowed Dowager Marchioness of Bexbury should appear as a free agent.

He grinned to himself. It had been Lord Julian Favell’s odd quirk concerning female feet that had first drawn the Foreign Office’s attention to a certain Lady of the Town, that he had found intelligent, first-rate at drawing out a fellow, and also entirely discreet. She had done 'em excellent service in that capacity, and even since her elevation had continued most useful to the nation’s interests.

Had quite the most valuable connexions! He did not interrogate how the little Hacker had come to learn her skills, but her ability with locks and more general legerdemain was quite unsurpassed. One did not, perchance, want to make an open approach to the former Bow Street Runner Matt Johnson and his investigation agency but was often a source of prime intelligence into assorted malefactions of state interest. And there was Clorinda, as 'twere the conduit.

So here he was in Clorinda’s exquisite parlour, and here was Miss Hacker presenting in her capacity as does the occasional secretarial tasks for Lady Bexbury, and all was in order for a fine exchange of intelligence.

Hacker conceded that Matt was entire agreeable to opening the course of their investigations to Sir Vernon – what they had at present was some two or three cases in hand that seemed very much about, I have your secret you would not want known, give me money! – so that they wondered whether 'twas some member of that same set had had setbacks at the tables or on the racecourse –

She explained their reasoning as to how they came at the supposition that it was either some individual in the same circle, or at least mayhap a maid or valet that would have access to the places where they gathered.

Sir Vernon nodded. Remarked that the fellow that had come to his attention was no idle man about Town – had the prospect of a fine career ahead of him – but his breeding and reputation as a sportsman would undoubtedly convey him the entrée to such circles. And was it all gentlemen that had been troubled in this way?

She shook her head. There is one lady – so far – 'tis quite the moral tale – had been lured into a card-playing set – made considerable losses – found herself obliged to pawn certain items of family jewellery that she never wore as frightful old-fashioned – then someone acquires the pawn-tickets and holds 'em to ransom.

Somehow – from a certain flash in Clorinda’s lovely blue eyes – he had a notion that there might be some quite informal investigation undertaken into this card-playing set!

So, Hacker went on, we begin to as 'twere draw a map of the circle in question –

That was very neatly done – and indeed, he could already see that these were acquaintances of young Nottinge.

I do not like to prejudge, murmured Clorinda, but I must observe that these are sets where Mr Mortimer Chellow has lately been seen, now he is so constantly in Blatchett’s company. And while there is a little coolness towards Blatchett, no-one has yet gone so far as to exclude him from their invitations.

Chellow is certainly a noxious creature, Sir Vernon agreed, and this sort of enterprize would not surprize me in him. But let us keep our minds open.

They sipped their tea and nibbled on the excellent cakes that Euphemia had baked and he fancied that there was a further matter waiting to be opened.

Hacker cleared her throat. 'Tis a difficult problem for the agency – how to undertake an investigation in such circles –

Sir Vernon smiled. Why, I was about to come to that. I am not altogether confident that this is merely some matter of raising the ready and that there is not some darker purpose behind which is why my young colleague, that is not particularly well-to-do, has been approached.

Clorinda drooped her eyelashes at him. La, Sir Vernon, are the interests of the nation at stake?

'Tis possible. And thus I volunteer the services of a certain young man about Town –

Hacker grinned. That I have taught the tricks of locks &C? Has somewhat of a dissipated reputation?

I had supposed, said Clorinda, that he was bound for some Embassy.

There is no immediate haste, said Sir Vernon. Is entirely the chap for this mission.

So here he was, looking across his desk at Lord Gilbert Beaufoyle, that had clearly been carefully cultivating an air of dissipation and at present was wearing a somewhat sullen expression.

'Twas understandable! Here he had the prospect of Paris, that was indeed quite the accolade so early in his career, and first there was, let us delay until after the election so that he could go display about the balls &C in the constituencies where there was Mulcaster interest, and now there was this desire that he should go disport in the set about Trelfer and South Worpley –

I doubt, said Lord Gilbert in sulky tones, that they will be extending me invitations. For 'twas still the case that the Ladies Inez and Leah, formerly bosom friends, to whom those eligible partis the heirs to the Duchy of Humpleforth and to the Marquessate of Emberry still aspired, continued to doat on that romantic, positively Byronic figure.

Sir Vernon smirked. They will certainly be inviting your brother Sallington, and does he indicate a desire that the invitation should include you, I fancy they would hardly refuse.

Lord Gilbert groaned. Indeed they will – Trelfer purposes some gathering at Mellonby, and m’brother is not inclined to cut – says at the very least he supposes there will be a painting or so of interest – there is also – Trelfer will boast upon it – an armoury displaying a deal of weapons. That I have some notion were not so much ones that his ancestors drew in the heat of battle but that some forebear collected.

Sir Vernon smirked again and said, indeed, a fine array of duelling swords and pistols!

Lord Gilbert groaned again. Lord. But I will go be dutiful.

I would not expect anything else. But I have been giving some thought to providing you with a dark secret –

He observed that young Beaufoyle was still capable of being brought to a blush.

So here I have just the thing, entire in keeping with your reputation – that evoked lifted eyebrows – a handbill, and some correspondence with a certain quack, that promises very discreet and expeditious treatment, without mercury, for a certain ailment. One may suppose that 'tis entirely the sort of thing you would not want bruited about.

Most certainly not!

And of course a packet of the pills.

Lord Gilbert sighed, and nodded.